Drunk Monologue
by preety-lady-serenity
Summary: There is a saying that reality emerges through drunkness. How true is it for Snape? OneShot.Written before the HBP


Drunk Monologue – by preety-lady-serenity

Disclaimer: Guess what? The characters still do not belong to me. J. K. Rowling has refused to sell the rights to me. I am using them though. Wow I feel such a rebel.

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The sun had set many hours ago. A crescent moon shone above the tall man's head. He walked towards the castle's main entrance, stumbled and fell. He stood up and brushed the dirt off his black robes. He realized that his footsteps had led him near the lake. He had a sudden urge to talk. Brushing his hair aside his face, Severus Snape opened his mouth.

"This is an announcement to any Great Power that guards the Universe and cares to know. I AM DRUNK!" he declared to the skies slowly in his serious, slow voice. "I am drunk. With Firewhiskey. I cannot remember when it was the last time I got drunk. But anyway, I believe you keep a record of the times I get out of control. You know that I don't like drinking. Firewhiskey is bitter. And drinking is a social activity. Yet, Firewhiskey is warm. Tonight I felt cold inside. So, I drank. And drank. And drank. I drank until I got drunk."

He let out a chuckle.

"Someone told me that it is very difficult to know when I am drunk. He said I speak in exactly the same manner I do when I am not. I am not losing my words. Yet, he said that I tend to open up and talk about all kinds of things. When I am drunk, that is. So let's talk. No, I will talk. You must listen. A couple days ago I was at the school's greenhouse. Greenhouse Three to be precise. Anyway, I was busy removing some petals from a Fanged Geranium to use in a Potion, when I noticed that one of the plants was growling. You know, in the 'grrr' sick sound, not the 'grrr' angry one. I put a soothing spell to calm it down and wore my dragon-hide gloves. I was digging a hole near it when I was surprised by a long snout that popped out of the ground. It was a Niffler. Fuzzy little pests they are. I took it carefully into my hands. You know how they damage plants right? So, I took it into my hands and it licked my face. I scowled at it and carried it outside the greenhouses. I called Sprout. She told me that the plant has to be removed.

He let a sad sigh.

"I remembered that Nifflers can destroy houses in their search for shiny objects. All living things destroy other things to survive. Even the most beautiful ones. I guess I have an excuse for tonight's actions. We were ordered by the sadistic lunatic to do 'something useful'. The 'something useful' for him is to destroy Muggles' lives. Muggles remind me of – No, forget it. Muggles remind me of nothing. You know I did not want to do it. But I did. This is because I am a spy. So, I have to follow the pack of them in order to keep betraying them. Isn't life funny?"

He coughed and chuckled sadly.

"We found a house at the countryside, where a family lives. No, rephrase that. Lived. We attacked the family and stunned them before they could react. I excused myself while they were deciding on how they were going to proceed with the victims. I told them I was going to guard the house's entrance. Then, I retreated in the house's yard. Easy way to get away. Who started screaming first? Oh yes, the man. The others started with him. I guess he must have freaked out when he felt that 'burning charm' spreading down his stomach towards his . . . ahem . . . lap. The woman kept pleading over and over again, no matter how many times the Crucio was placed on her to make her shut up. She shouted 'Just don't touch my little girl. Not my little girl!" I stood outside the house and tried – tried – tried to ignore her screams. I thought about essays – marking tests – even the little dunderheads I teach. Anything but the screams."

Snape felt his voice stammering and stopped speaking. He kept looking at the lake, not realising that someone had been listening all along.

"Severus," the old man said, making him turn around. He saw Albus Dumbledore staring at him apprehensively. He smirked ironically and turned his attention to the heavens once again.

"This is Albus Dumbledore. Great wizard Dumbledore. He always sees good into others. He even saw good in me and gave me another chance in life. When was it? Ah yes, sixteen years ago. He said I could become a spy for the Order. And I did!

"Severus . . ."

"Want to hear what happened tonight Headmaster? I was sitting at the Muggles' front yard when – Nott, yes it was Nott – said that I ought to have some fun. So he takes inside the house and presents me to the Death Eaters. They were holding a little girl. She was thirteen and as they told me, she was not imposed to any magic. They said that they had kept her as a reward for me. I was supposed to be guarding for Aurors. So that I could impose the first curse on her. I looked at the trembling little creature and her eyes were pleading me to help her. Despite the fact I was wearing the same mask as the others, she plead me with her eyes to stop her nightmare. My heart whispered into my soul to take the child and run outside the house immediately. My logic screamed that I had to do something to prove myself to my companions. My logic always wins. I placed a 'Bogies' hex on her. She started screaming as that slimy – you know. Bellatrix Lestrange taunted me that I had gone soft. 'A Death Eater should not place humble curses on Muggles' she said. She stated that by spending so much time teaching children, I have become soft."

"The girl eyed me in shock, not believing that I could be a professor.. I glared at Bellatrix and got out of the room. The –the –screams intensified immediately. They got louder and louder until I could not bare them longer. The girl's eyes followed the picture of my mind into the garden. Two hours – yes it must be two hours – later the parents were dead. The child, Lucius has told me so, got mad. Excuse me for a moment."

Snape bend forward and emptied the contents of his stomach to the grass. He remained stood and wiped his mouth with a handkerchief. He turned to see Dumbledore. The Headmaster was looking at him with an ashen-white face and seemed to look older than ever. Snape glared at him as he was overtook by a fit of rage.

"What is the matter Headmaster? Was it too intense for your taste? Are you intensively disgusted by my cowardness? I wanted to save a child but I could not permit myself to be betrayed. So I let her be destroyed. Will you ever be able to look me into the eyes again? Because I do not know if I will ever be able to look at myself in the mirror."

"I WANTED TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!" he shouted in agony. "I wanted to stop them. I wanted to prevent the torture. But I did nothing, to prevent today's events. I even threw a hex on a defenceless child. The first time after sixteen years and I tortured a child."

Snape stopped when he realised that tears were rolling down his cheeks. He looked at Dumbledore and lowered his head.

"Despair is my sin today. I don't think I can take it anymore. No, I cannot take it anymore. This was the last drop I could take. I-Am-Not-A-Fuckin'-Machine! I have feelings! Are you shocked Headmaster? I am. It is long since I admitted that I have feelings.

Snape placed his head into palms, in shame that he could not control himself. Tears kept rolling down his cheeks and he tried to choke the sobs before they could escape his throat. A wave of dizziness overcame him when he opened his eyes and realised that Dumbledore was standing in front of him.

"Why?" he asked in a whisper, "Why did I have to return back? How could you let me go back so easily? I lied! I did not want to return to them. Last week you asked me what I think of myself. You know what I think of my life? I always felt like 'The Fool' in the Tarot cards. He always goes on, pushed towards that cliff. He is always standing with his foot on nothingness. But one day, he realises it is time for him to fall. Headmaster, if you do care about for me like a father – No, if you care me even the ten percent of what you say you do, as I fall past remember me."

Snape uttered those words and felt the ground disappear under his feet. He lost his balance and let himself fall. Dumbledore, in a reflex move he never knew he had, leaned and grasped him before he would collapse to the ground. He examined the Potion Master, who let out sad sighs in his sleep. His face had tear-stains and his eye-lashes shone from the teardrops that had remained on their tip.

"Don't worry Severus," he whispered sadly, "I will not only remember you. I will try to catch you this time, before you fall."

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Ok, seriously, is it good or totally bad? Don't flame, just comment. 


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